Thursday, July 2, 2015

6 Reasons Why It's Really Not You, It's Him

I'm sure we've all heard the well-overplayed, obnoxiously cliche break-up line: "It's not you, it's me." As annoying as something like this may be to hear, sometimes when relationships fail it's really not you, it's them. Now before you judge this post as being completely arrogant, prideful, conceited, avoidant of responsibility, and in denial of rejection; hear me out. I'm not coming from the mentality of a pouty, overly-confident girl who thinks: "How could someone break up with ME? They must be crazy/ stupid/ homosexual/ all of the above to drop a piece of ass as hot as this!" That's not where I'm coming from. I'm coming from a place of acceptance and understanding that sometimes when break-ups happen, it really doesn't have much to do with you, and you can stop taking it so personally. 

Our brains are meaning-making machines. For the sake of our survival, our brains are always trying to map out our environment and determine why things happen the way they do. It's something that occurs automatically so that in future situations, our brain can identify when to avoid a painful situation, such as a break-up, from happening again. Thoughts like, "Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? What happened? Why did this happen?" are all generated to identify and steer clear from future mistakes and disappointments. However, it's important to know that when something like a break-up does happen, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sure, maybe you could have done things differently, but being dumped is no reflection on who you are as a person. So cut out all that negative thinking mumbo-jumbo crap about not being worthy enough, lovable, smart, sexy, engaging, or beautiful enough. Sometimes it's really not you, it's them. Here are a few things to take into consideration before jumping the gun and thinking you're not "good enough" or worthy of receiving love:

1. They're Emotionally Unavailable.
They've just gone through a heart-wrenching break up, or maybe they're still mourning the loss of a loved one even though years have passed. They may be emotionally unavailable because something devastating happened-- like they walked in on their ex cheating with their best friend and now, they see all women, or men, as dirty liars and cheaters. They may have gone through something tragic in a relationship that has them still licking their wounds and steering clear from relationships. Even though they may desire love, they still want to play it safe and keep their heart protected from the possibility of ever being hurt again. For someone who is emotionally unavailable, while finding a new partner may be beneficial in helping them let go, it's not wise to deliberately try to change or convince them into wanting to be in a relationship. If they've got issues they've been dealing with, it's not your job to try and fix them. That could lead to a lot of pain and frustration on both ends. 


2. They Feel They are at a Place in Life Where They are Unable to Commit. 
People will sometimes feel the need to be at a certain point in their life before they are ready to commit to a relationship. With the societal expectancy of being the main bread-winner and care-taker, men in particular feel the need to have a certain level of their lives established and accomplished in order for them to want to seek out a partner. It's a possibility that while a man may really like you, there may be a lot he feels he needs to accomplish before he can be with you.


3. They Don't Want to Commit.
They simply don't want to commit. They're young, or not, but either way they're having way too much fun "playing the field," and a relationship is only going to make them feel "tied down." Don't focus your energy on trying to "catch" one of these. If a man wants to commit, he will. If not, he won't. There are plenty of other fish in the sea who are looking for a woman to commit to, don't waste your time on those who won't. 


4. He Doesn't Think He Can Make You Happy.
Men really enjoy being able to make a woman happy. Like, really. It's hardwired into them. If a man thinks he can't make you happy either by failing to provide you with the kind of luxurious life you grew up with, or by fulfilling certain emotional needs, or by being the kind of man you hope and expect him to be, he may cut off the relationship with you. This has nothing to do with you as a person, just his judging on whether or not he will be able to make you happy. It's important that if you're in a relationship to convey that he does make you happy, this will bring reassurance, confidence, and stability to the relationship.


5. You're Just Not His Type.
Again, this has nothing to do with you personally. Some men prefer blondes, and some prefer brunettes. Some men want a trophy wife to dress up in heels and a tight mini dress so that they can parade around town with them, and others prefer a girl who likes adventure, that they can sit on a mountain and watch the stars with. Others want a more studious girl that spends the majority of her time in the library, while there are some who want a girl who spends the majority of her time in a gym. Some men want a combination of them all! The point is that everyone is looking for something different. And as the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." Maybe not the best analogy for this post (I'm certainly not referring to any of you as "trash"), but what I'm trying to say is that if there is a man who does not like or value you, don't take it personally, because there is a man out there who will like and value you. 

6. They're Really Gay. Like super gay. I couldn't end this post without a little humor. If someone rejects someone as awesome as I know you (the reader) are, they're probably, most likely, 100% gay. And it's a lot better for him/her to have ended it with you now, than waiting 2.5 kids and a 30 year mortgage later for them to come out of the closet. I know I just saved you a whole lot of self-doubt and heart ache. You're welcome.

Okay, so now is the time where I want to ask you to do a little self-reflection (You didn't think I'd let you get off the hook that easy, did you?) You may want to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why is it that you are attracted to these kind of individuals who are either emotionally unavailable, unable, and/or unprepared to commit to a relationship. There's a school of thought that teaches we're attracted to what is a reflection of ourselves. If you find that you are continuously attracted to the "bad boy," or the emotionally unavailable man, it may be a reflection of the fact you, yourself are emotionally unavailable. It might be helpful to you to go and look through past diaries from when you were younger, or examine past relationships to see what kind of thoughts you had about them. You may discover you've carried with you a flawed way of thinking when it comes to relationships, and have been subconsciously repelling the right men from entering your life. 

The next action step I want you to take is to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would I date me?" If the answer is yes, then great! Do nothing, you're perfect. But if the answer is, "Maybe there is a little room for self improvement," then get to work sista! Experiencing rejection is an optimal time to learn not to become bitter, but to become even better than you were before. I always like to ask myself, "Am I the kind of woman my dream man would want to date?" and I work from there. For more tips and advice on becoming the kind of person you can check out this post. 
I think you're an awesome, wonderful, amazing human being; and you deserve the best in love and in life. I hope you found this post inspiring, encouraging, funny, and helpful, and I wish you all an amazing week!

Lots o' love,
Brigitte xx

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